“There are times – I am passing through one now – when hope is as heavy as despair. What can satisfy the needs of a smitten heart, which longs to throw itself at your feet, but is held back by the weight of serious considerations, paralysing its keenest desires?” – Napoleon Bonaparte to Maria Walewska
I am lettering this to you as an apology. I have heard of your strains and private pains. Hence, it is my blunder that I have been tardy in my response to your cries. Though not even my best prose could warm the chill of your heart. But I trust that if you are reading this, then it still beats.
Moreover, I hope that Time is your servant and master alike. For if you are to remember everything has happened as it should have. Consequently, nothing should astonish you to the point of paralysation. The moment of chaos should merely vibrate the order, but not send you off course. Or so rumble the waters that you are capsized by even the natural storms, nor are you thrown a miss by the slightest of stiff winds. If this was the case, you would be better suited not to call yourself a skipper, nor should you consider it that you have your life’s reigns within your steady grip. If you are of sufficient strength to recognise at which point you are. Then there still remains the opportunity within your chaos.
So the choice; “Are you the master or servant to time?” Is still a choice to make. Work the problem, don’t let the problem work you.
And what of your troubles. I have felt an urge to reach out however I began to question what if I had begun catching your colds for you from an early age. You would have no immune system. Same goes, that if I had always been around to catch you as you leap, you would never learn to aim within your reasonable reach. Nor would you know to not pick your scabs after your scrapes. All lessons you have never wanted to learn. Yet these lessons, these wrongdoings you seem to have been entangled with, have been made habitual. They have now become so significant in how you go about your business. It has come to appraise the method in which you conscript, construct and consolidate the philosophies which make up your order diagrams. So I have made allowances for that too. In my heart, there has always been, a codification of your personhood that is promised beyond the frailties of personage. Not you amongst them. Or them amongst you. Just this truthfulness that is promised to stay the test of time.
“You have greatness within you”
But this is not the answers you seek. For sometimes, and often when you have made an error. Do you question the very rules and systems which lead you to this state of disrepair? The moment of true self-disappointment, where the pep talks just don’t do it anymore. It is in these moments that you expected yourself to have not acted in this way. You had expected yourself to be predictable. To step continuously and robotically along the pre-laid tracks. Which you promised you would follow. Though the results of recent time, show that you are still fraudulent in all your attempts. Still found wanting by the league of daily calculation. Still ponderous and pedantic in your flailed limbs uselessly reaching at lofty goals. Where your arrogance in belief is so far drawn out, that it begins to look like delusions of grandeur. It is a place in time where you can no longer suffer the bitterness of your own words. They seem to saturate your tongue with this acidic bile of naive self-assuredness. When you can no longer make palatable nor stomach your own bullshit.
Here is the well-defined moment to return yourself to all that which you know has historically, has been you at your best. A time in introspection, which has made you feel as though you had regained the situational awareness needed for you to maintain a solidified hold on your established order. Even if the last moment is to be almost childlike in your approach. Perhaps the naive humble inquiry a child would make to a parent. Is the best-suited action for you too. Or at least consider all of that which makes you feel comforted enough to begin a new search for this attitudinal alignment. All the more value and more reason you begin to see within yourself, will eventually illuminate the meandering nature of your own path. You are to dutifully tasked to continue to preen away at it. You are a masterpiece after all. It is no good for you to fall into dereliction and destitution. Even if, at this point, you may not deem yourself necessary enough for preservation, restoration and salvation. Not just of your outer image, but of that essence of your uniqueness which sets you apart. I remember an old tale that if you are to consider yourself as a picture. Your material possessions. Your earthly preenings. Your day today. Your career. Your education. They can give you a much-needed structure to be able to be put on display. But also that you are ready and willing to be hung up, and looked at. This pressure can be difficult to manage. All of which becomes your frame. Now to consider the canvas itself. This is you. Your family. Your travels. Your trials. Your quirks. Your private jokes. Especially the ones you have with yourself. The outline and colour added by your personality and overall life experience. The pains and peals of laughter alike.
The balance here is that, while a strong frame is of utmost value. It’s dependable nature acts as in good favour and can not go amiss. However, the canvas is what one looks at. The canvas is the picture. Frames can be interchangeable. A well thought out and considered work of art. Done with a specific uniqueness. Impossible.
My answer to everything is that let this stand as a lighthouse to you in times of your own personal storms. Even when situations are so far different. Your worthiness is already a given. Long after the words have lost their meaning. I pray of you to return here. To this codification of my heart’s desire.