“The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision” – Maimonides
Undoubtedly this month of March 2019 has been amongst the most challenging periods in my brief 24 years of existence. In fact, the last time life tugged this hard at sinews of my emotional thread, was May of 2010.
28 days I had counted that my Step-Dad had spent in his coma. A period ultimately summarized as moments of excitement, terror, hope, sorrow and relief.
However, this time around, this particular set of 31 days, the death was not of someone else.
The death this time was of my own previous self. My own previously believed “perfect conditions”. The introspection I’ve had to encounter this month has been unparalleled in my assessment of my being, and the justification for my existence.
The chaos that had barreled through my pre-established order was of such violence that I swear the earth rumbled beneath me. The rapid ruination of my order was of such expedience, that it forced me to relentlessly front up to this realignment.
It was almost comical since as soon as I thought I had regained my bearings in one area, I was completely blindsided in my perception of another. Red alerts and alarms were going off in so many different places at once. I was truly in my own personal “DEFCON 1”.
However, by the grace of God only, I had managed to trudge along and gain new strength for each passing day. It was in the rare moments of comfort and clarity that I had realised that I had been deaf to the call of “Beware the Ides of March”. I had failed to atone and pay the price due, so my admission into “Peace of Mind” had been revoked. As such, I was to live on my wits and the random acts of kindness from relative strangers.
I realised that the seemingly serendipitous chaos was actually of my own making. See I had begun the creation of this new reality, long before its manifestation. The manner in which it had manifested and all the uncomfortable and ill feelings I had towards those around me, were primarily as a result of my historical indecisions. My non-desire to move forward and away from where I stood.
Yes in life there are always equal role players. There are those who put you in difficult moments, as well as those who help you out of them. However, in all of this, YOU are still the common denominator.
Indecision is the ultimate killer of the soul. Or rather as William James put it
“There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision”. – William James
There are many stages in my life where I can say that no statement described me better.
I used to think that any project or venture would be doomed to failure, because of whatever condition or situation was not present. I had coddled my lack of personal progression on factors which in truth would have no bearing on my overall success.
I arrogantly believed that I was too (insert your own grandiose justification) to fail. That I should always achieve a 100% win-rate or there is no point of the exercise. I had felt that if I could present the best over-arching set of rules and structure I could claim dominium over all future representations of this reality because I had made it so.
This worked in a few situations, and I milked the success thereof. However, I could never understand why my goals in life were not progressing further than the last state of victory. I did not a single thing to open up new possibilities, since the discomfort of leaving my known status of victory, far out-weighed the potential for new victories. I had felt that “a bird in hand is as good as two in the bush”.
Indecision has a wonderful way of creeping into our lives. It’s good to question, plan and wait for the appropriate time. However, it’s the beauty of life that as you are waiting for this “appropriate time” to act, your vision of your ultimate goal becomes ever more cloudy and unclear as you move away from your initial desire.
A typical example is your morning alarm clock. Your desire to get up in the morning and actively pursue your life is placed into question every time it goes off. With the snooze alarm being the factor of indecision. We all hit the snooze button, let’s not pretend. However, have you ever been placed in the horrible situation where you’ve hit the snooze button, however for some reason you actually turned it off? Or you hit the snooze button, and in that period your battery dies before the next alarm. Or, hit the snooze button so many times, that when you eventually do make a decision to get up, you are forced to rush out the door. Which means you will probably forget something on the kitchen counter.
Worse to imagine if any of those scenarios have caused a major upset in your life, say the student who had been ready to ace an exam, only to wake up to the horrible realisation that they have slept through their writing time.
Just consider the weight of that. Years, months, weeks, hours all laid to scrap by the humble snooze button. Or rather, through your own indecision. It’s a heavy burden to be asked first thing as you wake, whether you have it in you to push through pain, to walk with your perceived inadequacies or to humble yourself and ask for help from anyone. So often we talk ourselves out of opportunities of creation which has the ability to drastically and positively affect our lives and the ones around us.
I thus hope that the trials of March, although crucial to me, never occur in such a fashion whence I feel as though it is by some mystic conspiracy that the wall of Jericho should crumble around me. Nor do I hope that through my own indecision I am unable to ask for a helping hand, or to have waited too long to make known to others of their importance to me. Nor do I hope to not have spare provisioning for those moments which require more than what you have right now.